On every to-do list I make, I write down “blog post.” Usually, it’s somewhere near the bottom because of all of the things that need to get done on a daily or weekly basis. We have officially lived in England more than a year now, which is unbelievable. There’s so much to say and update on, sometimes I don’t know where to begin. Often, writing sits on my to-do list until I feel compelled, despite all of the other things looming, to just sit down and write.
Today is one of those days. Writing has been a wonderful outlet for me here, but it is also overwhelming. Where to begin in telling our stories? The past few weeks have been so busy, our trip to America and visiting family and friends, friends visiting here as we headed to London and Scotland, taking our driving tests (spoiler: we both passed!) the boys starting school and their activities, a wonderful visit from Tim’s parents, and a trip from my parents soon.
Tim’s work has been busy, equaling quick but packed trips to Italy, Germany, France – all places I long to go see with him, though I remind myself he’s often in little industrial towns, in factories or offices on customer visits, not chic cities or picturesque vineyards.
And I’m back with my to-do list: the mundane of laundry, groceries, planning birthday parties, making sure homework is done, signing the boys up for swimming lessons, guilty visits to the gym, cooking dinner (I made tikka masala this week!), mediating brotherly fights, school PTA meetings and classroom volunteering … and failing to produce tangible results as Chief Storyteller of the family.
I have been doing some freelance writing work for a good friend who owns a marketing company back in Wisconsin, which has been great. I’m able to produce content for a variety of companies, mostly food-related, which makes me hungry for the avocadoes and cheese and burgers and jerky I’m describing in detail. It’s not a ton of hours, but it keeps me in the game.
But in documenting our lives, I can’t seem to keep up. Hundreds – thousands – of photos on my phone accumulate. I think about wanting to post to Instagram, Facebook, here, and I begin to sift through photos but the words in my head feel jumbled. In the age of quick posting and real-time reactions, I often need to sit with something and then the moment passes. And at times, each story seems to bring out some conflict in emotion.
On one hand, I want to talk about our amazing trip to Wisconsin and Iowa. It filled our hearts with love and joy, and was made up of late nights, laughter, food, family and friends. On the other hand, I struggle to describe something that is now in the past when I don’t know when we’ll get to recreate it. It makes me homesick.
On one hand, I want to talk about our trips and the amazing adventures we’re having. On the other, I don’t want to make it seem that our time here is one vacation after another – there are moments of frustration, loneliness, struggle, and I’ve already put enough words around that. And sometimes there’s just tiredness and the desire to sit in the stillness. Or just watch TV, ha.
On one hand, the boys are amazing and starting school and football and I’m so incredibly proud of them! On the other, it’s September, which is a difficult month. Early September, when would be the due date for our baby we lost early the year before Grant. And late September, Grant’s birthday, which as each day passes on the calendar, makes my stomach churn a little more with heartache, grief, and all of the what-could-have-beens. This is the hardest to put into words.
I’ll tackle those topics soon because I love sharing and keeping our own journal of this time in our lives, and I know that these posts, like life, don’t need to be either just happy or sad, or easy or hard. And we really had such a wonderful summer with our visits and visits from others! But for today, just hello and have a lovely weekend. Back with regularly scheduled programming soon. And now somehow I’ve written 700 words about not having the words…whoops.
Tosa to Tarporley 
Love you friend. Even reading a post about not posting is a great read so we know what you’ve been up to. I pray for you during this difficult month. Every month, every day is difficult but there is something about an anniversary that brings out the strong emotions you may feel had been tucked away. It’s been 6 years since we lost Grayson, and the week leading up to Sept 25-27 always hits me like a ton of bricks. I don’t see it coming. I think I’m being strong all year and then out of nowhere, there it is. Emotions, lots of them. Know that we’re holding you in giant bear hugs this month (and always) and missing your babies too.
PS – I LOVE having your writing talent shared with Spry’s clients 🙂 You are a blessing to me!
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Thanks, Nicki. Yes, absolutely and I know you understand. Giving you a bear hug back – can’t believe it will be six years. So much love for your family and Grayson.
And also, thank you for the opportunity! I love how it has stretched me to write for different channels in different voices, and I’m proud to contribute to your company and clients.
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Jana, no matter what you write about… that day-to-day stuff, the fun travels, or memories you want to share, I’m always interested. I enjoyed seeing you, Tim, and the boys when you were back in Iowa this summer. So glad your folks are coming for a visit and I’ll be anxious to hear about their trip and time spent with you.
Remembering your sweet angels in Heaven, I’ll reprint this: “Grief, I’ve learned is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”
You will always grieve and be sad, but smile because you have them forever in your heart.
Love, Aunt Linda
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Thank you, Aunt Linda. We loved seeing you too – you are a travel inspiration! We are looking forward to hosting Mom and Dad. And I truly love that quote, it feels exactly right. Thank you for sharing. Lots of love.
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