Staying at Home, So Far From Home: Expat Life During Covid-19 Lockdown

April 5, 2020

I first sat down to write an update three weeks ago. I didn’t post it, because let’s face it, news and information and opinions and viewpoints and memes and rants about Coronavirus/Covid-19 are everywhere. It’s all-encompassing and exhausting. Do I need to add to that? Do I offer anything new? Well, no.

I do, however, feel the need to document this experience and I process my thoughts through writing, so I’m trying again. That’s the point of this blog – a documentation of our experience, a chance to share, a way to connect. I’m also keeping my first update as the second part of this post, because it is interesting to see what has changed already in three weeks.

Things began to shift in the U.K. the week of March 15. First, we heard that schools would be shutting, except children of key workers who could not be at home with someone else. Many people had already started to pull their children from school. Some teachers were out ill, or the whole family was home if anyone was showing any symptoms (no confirmed cases, that I know of, but thankfully being cautious). They announced this on Wednesday, March 18. I debated keeping the boys home from that point on, but we were told that if children were healthy, they were to be in school. And I wanted them to have some closure with friends and teachers, especially Nate, whose teacher was leaving after spring term. I was grateful for them to have two days to close this chapter, but day by day, my anxiety grew.

We were washing hands constantly, the boys’ hands were dry and red from the sanitizer at school, when they got home each day I had them stand in the entry and take their uniforms off for immediate washing and they would go change into play clothes. I felt like each day we continued to go was a gamble and so by the end of school Friday – while I was nervous for whatever was next, I felt a sense of relief that I could at least have them at home with me. There was a lot of talk that the U.K.’s approach wasn’t swift or far-reaching enough, and it felt like people were on edge, waiting for the next steps.

Two weeks ago was Mother’s Day. It was a beautiful day, and we went for a walk in the woods near our house. Apparently, everybody in England had the same idea to go hiking, biking, or be outdoors because the next day Boris put us on lockdown, meaning we are only allowed to go out for four reasons:

• Shopping for essential items, like groceries and medicine
• A medical need or to provide care for a vulnerable person
• To travel to and from work, if you are an essential worker and cannot work from home
• For once-a-day exercise, to be started/finished from your house (no driving to exercise)

Tim continued at work for another week. His company is considered essential since they supply to construction/agriculture/automotive, so they were trying to keep production going as best they could while letting as many people as possible work at home. I was a bit worried with him going in, but knew it was necessary and he told me everyone was being cautious and that most of the time he was by himself in the office. That changed at the end of last week. Since many of their customers are now shutting down production, they will be following suit, so he’s been put on furlough for at least three weeks. He’s hopeful that he is able to return after that time, but everything is constantly changing.

The boys and I are adjusting to home school, learning at home, distance learning…I’m not sure what to call it. I’ve been told that it’s not home school since I’m not setting the curriculum but whatever you call it, we’re at home and it’s work. The first week started out well. Our day began at 8:30 a.m. We play a pump-up song in the car on the way to school, so we continued that at home. We said the Pledge of Allegiance, which was Bennett’s idea, since he remembered doing that at school in America. Nate had no idea how to say it, so he’s learning. I keep thinking that I should incorporate some American subjects like states and capitols, presidents, but we’ll see how far we get.

Their teachers are sending assignments for the day in at least three subjects: English, Math and another subject ranging from Spanish to Religious Education to Science to History to Art. We usually start with spelling, handwriting and writing. Then we do P.E. with Joe (Joe Wicks, the Body Coach) at 9 a.m. on YouTube (a good workout for me too, oof) then onto English, break, math, break for lunch. In the afternoon we tackle the third subject, have more play time and on some days we look at different things – we’ve done a virtual tour of the Smithsonian and done virtual zoo tours. Bennett especially has gotten into drawing videos, inspired by the videos with author Mo Willems doing doodles. He’s spent hours drawing, watching drawing videos, and even doing his own drawing instructional videos. It’s so fun to watch.

It hasn’t been perfect. I’m the type of person who likes to tick things off a list. But technically, the assigned schoolwork isn’t mandatory. If I was working at home full-time, there’s no way we could get everything done. But we’re here, and we have the time, so I’ve been encouraging them to do as much as possible, especially at the start so we can try to get into a routine. I find myself nagging them, and then asking myself why I’m nagging them. A lot of time is spent figuring out the technology – switching between their accounts, waiting for our slow Internet to download the assignments and videos, editing documents online, uploading videos and photos showing their work, turning it all in.

Having Tim home last week threw us off a little bit. He works quite a bit during the week and isn’t usually home until after dinner/before bedtime most evenings. The boys love the weekend then because they play and do all of the fun stuff that Daddy does. (Not that I don’t I get in my fair share of football, wiffle ball and lightsaber battles.) It threw them for a loop now that Tim was home, and they wanted to just play and have fun and make pancakes, and mean ol’ Mom was telling them they had to sit every once in a while to try to do some school.

We’re back to the weekend and the boys are on spring break for the next two weeks, so we’ll see how we get on. We plan to tackle some projects that would earn them Scout badges. Maybe I’ll find something fun inspired by a fun, Pinterest-y mom on the Internet. Mostly, we’ll just be trying to keep it together. Disney+ launched here recently and we’ve been watching lots of evening movies. I’m about at my Star Wars limit. The boys miss activities and football but have been so great and understanding about staying at home. I am sad that we’re renting so I can’t take on some really obnoxious home project.

We’ve been adhering to rules. We’ve gone out for groceries but are doing ‘click and collect’ when I can find a slot and ordering takeaway meals once a week from a different local restaurant. It’s forced us to get over our (my) fear of walking, running and biking on the roads near our house too. I love going to the nearby woods for a run/walk. Usually I drive there. It turns out I can walk there too, it just takes a lot longer. The winding, narrow roads make me nervous, but I always pause and move out of the way for any vehicle and there’s less traffic on the roads, except tractors. Tim has been getting into biking with the encouragement of his friend, so he’s been gearing up and getting out, taking the boys with him occasionally.

When we first moved here, the adjustment to so much time on my own was difficult. But slowly I learned to fill that time, fill the silence or just enjoy it. It’s been an adjustment back to having everyone around all of the time. My evening walks are just what I need to get a little quiet time, listen to a podcast, and come back for dinner and snuggling up for an evening movie. I’m worried about Tim and his work, the whole reason we are here, but he seems optimistic and I know is enjoying this time with the boys.

 

I read back to my first post, and in many ways, the sentiment is the same. I feel grateful that the sun has been shining, we have our garden to play in, and our health that allows us to take walks and bike rides. We have family and friends checking in and have had lots of fun FaceTime conversations. In many ways I’m less anxious than I was, because Tim and the boys are home.

But I’ve felt sad. I’m watching as the number of cases and deaths continues to rise in the U.K., U.S. and other countries. I see the pleas for medical supplies and it breaks my heart. Our families and friends are fine, but that doesn’t stop me from worrying about them. I know that we couldn’t be with our friends and family right now anyway. But there is comfort in knowing they were near, or that I could get to them if needed. I’ve marveled during our experience that, isn’t it amazing…we’re across the ocean but really just a plane ride away! And I knew we could always get back if we needed to. But that isn’t the case and it’s unsettling.

I’ve had to think more deeply about this experience of being an expat. We agreed to it because, in addition to Tim’s career, we felt like it would be an amazing adventure, once in a lifetime! Hard, sure – but full of opportunities. We were experiencing that for a while, traveling to those pockets around the world. It’s helped me to feel more connected, made me want to travel and see more. The world is amazing and beautiful, with so much to explore and learn. Those doors to the world are now shut. I’m scared we haven’t seen the peak of this crisis, and what will it be like then? And then what? When is the moment the world feels safe again?

But this experience is more than just traveling and adventures. It’s about building a life here, and that also makes me sad we can’t see those friends with whom we’ve formed bonds with. They’ve become part of our lives and helped make this feel like home. So many of these friends have said to us – hey, we know you’re far from family, so if you need anything during all this…we’re here for you. That means everything to us.

I’m nervous that we might not even get to go back to the U.S. this summer for that much needed dose of family time, friend reuniting, cuddling Jack. A few weeks ago, I wasn’t worried about that. I am now.

So that’s the “what sucks about this” part. Everybody has that list, and for many people that list is much longer and much more serious, including very real worries about jobs and health. My worries are not comparable, and I don’t want this to be interpreted as complaining. We have a home, we are healthy, we choose to be here. We are resolute to stay home, to support everyone bravely helping others.

And we have each other. The other night, we all found ourselves quietly reading a book at the end of the night. I can’t think of when that has ever happened. We’ve been cooking and baking (that slimdown for summer is for sure not happening). Bennett and I went on a walk and he talked to me all about how he wants to be either a pro footballer or an author when he grows up. He asked me about how I decided what I want to be when I grew up. Which led to me trying to explain how one goes from interior design to journalism and what a college “major” is, and then finally trying to answer the very difficult question, what does a strategic communication consultant at a financial services company actually do?! I love those goofballs, and I know I’ll be grateful we have this time where we’re not running everywhere.

We press on. Maybe in three weeks I’ll read this back and it will feel out of touch and off base. I guess that’s the risk we take putting our thoughts out into the world. But thanks for letting me share again, and thanks for reading. I mean, we’ve all seen Tiger King by now right, so what else do you have to do? Ha. Keep staying safe, wherever you are.

{Written 3 weeks ago: Sunday, March 15}

I have part 3 of our Vienna & Prague trip to post still, but instead it felt like time to do a check in, because it seems like everybody could use a check-in. A little crazy out there right now, isn’t it? I’ve had a few people in the U.S. ask how we’re doing and what things are like here, so thought I would answer to the best of my ability. The caveats:

1) We live in the countryside of Northwest England, so things may feel very different in London, and even friends here could have a totally different take,

2) my scientific knowledge is limited to a tornado in a bottle science experiment the boys just did, and

3) all of this will probably change and then change again in the next hours, days, weeks.

When we moved to England, most people assumed Brexit would be the craziest thing we would have to live through. Brexit has officially “happened” though most changes from that don’t seem to go into effect until the end of 2020, so it’s hard to say what the long-term effect will be. But I can tell you that the lead up to the official exit didn’t feel as chaotic or crazy as Covid-19.

Like everyone else, I’ve been watching this happen and spread throughout the world, feeling worry when it started in China and knowing that in a time where people can travel more often and farther than ever, it was just a matter of time before it spread.

We had friends from Wauwatosa scheduled to visit over spring break, first going to London and then we were going to meet for a weekend in Wales. Early last week, they asked what I thought about cancelling the trip. I told them that at that point, it didn’t seem that bad in the U.K., and things were mostly operating as normal. But that I couldn’t predict what the next few weeks would hold. Our friends said they would plan to come as planned, unless something happened.

Of course, it was just a matter of hours before things changed enough that they rightly cancelled their trip.  We are very sad not so see them this month, but they are absolutely doing the right thing and are planning to hopefully come over summer. (We can’t wait, Parishes!)

I’ve been watching, from social media feeds to my checking of various news sites, what’s happening in the U.S. and it seems to vary greatly depending on where you live. Friends in the Pacific Northwest impacted more seriously with more restrictions; friends in Wisconsin now with schools, activities, stores closed for the next several weeks; friends and family in Iowa still have school and some activities, but reducing or limiting exposure where possible.

And what’s happening here? Well, at the moment, not a lot. School is still in session. They’ve communicated to us that they’ve been advised by the government that there isn’t a reason to close at this time, though it’s on everyone’s mind that it’s a possibility. Most activities haven’t been cancelled either – Scouts is on as normal, one of Nate’s football leagues has postponed but Bennett’s is still going, swimming lessons are still happening.

The U.K. (or really, just England at this point since Northern Ireland and Scotland have imposed some different regulations) seems to be taking a “long game” approach. From what I’ve read, they are betting that the peak of the outbreak is actually much further out, up to 14-16 weeks. So if they were to impose lots of restrictions right now, people will be much less likely to follow them for a long period of time.

Numbers don’t seem to be accurate to how many people may be affected at the moment, because people have been instructed to call 111 (the National Health Service’s help line) and to self-isolate for seven days if they have symptoms or think they may have it, meaning many people are not getting tested. The theory is that this will keep emergency services and healthcare professionals freed up to take the most critical cases and not overwhelm the often-overwhelmed-anyway medical system. I understand and agree we need to leave hospital beds for the very sick, but surely better testing procedures would give the government critical information for how quickly and where it is spreading.

As for not shutting schools, the thought is that children are the least likely to get quite ill with the virus so the benefit of shutting does not currently outweigh the possible negative adverse effects of pulling parents out of the workforce, especially in healthcare, and/or avoiding a spike again when school resumes. Not to mention the amount of older people/grandparents who would have to provide care for children in that situation.

I don’t know if this is the right approach – does anyone? There is a part of me that is worried it isn’t, and time will tell if they were too late to act. You can’t help but look at Italy and Spain and what is likely moving forward in France and Germany and think, can we really be any different? Would it just be better to act now?

What I do know that we are more than willing to inconvenience ourselves to do what is necessary for the greater good and to protect the sick, elderly or immunocompromised. It’s just hard to know how to do that without guidance in place yet. That uncertainty leads to anxiety. Maybe the act of simply having some action to take would make us feel better. I’ve been told that the approach proves the British “Keep Calm and Carry On” mentality is alive and well, though the empty toilet paper shelves at the store may indicate otherwise.

For this moment, we are still going out, with caution, to football, on walks and bike rides, to pick up takeaway (I love that I can say we’re supporting local restaurants instead of not wanting to cook). We’re washing hands, wiping down and avoiding large crowds in busy places.

I’m lucky to be at home, especially when Tim is still needed in work every day, so if school were to close, we could handle it. We have a playroom, and outdoor space, and the boys could run and play and not be confined to a small area. I would do my best to emulate my amazing teacher friends and I’m sure it would teach us all some very valuable life lessons (mostly patience for me, ha). I can do my freelance work from home, as needed. In that sense, I am calm.

Tim has been working a lot trying to do his regular job, manage customer expectations and also work with the leadership team in coming up with contingency plans for who at their company can work at home, how to keep up and running on reduced numbers if needed, etc. He took his last airplane trip to visit a customer’s plant in the south of England on Thursday, then came home and said that would be the last of his travel. I’m happy about that as it seems wise to limit risk and use technology as possible.

We’re fairly stocked up (fortunately, I had done a Costco run for toilet paper and paper towels before the chaos hit) and have pasta/meat/basics in the freezer and the pantry. I even bought a few cartons of shelf-stable milk, just in case. I’m trying not to feed into the panic buying frenzy that seems to have taken hold. Two weeks ago, there was toilet paper. Last week, there wasn’t. The pasta, flour and cleaning aisles were pretty bare.

It’s hard to see a moment in time that we really couldn’t get access to essentials or reach out to one another to help. I promise you, if you sent me a message that you were out of TP I would drop some at your doorstep! But crazy times make people act crazy.

It’s tough. I’m no expert and I’m trying to take in as much news as I can to be informed and aware, while trying to not take in the wrong information, whether it’s not based in fact or it’s more likely to induce panic. I’ve had to step back from it a couple times when I was getting a little anxious. I readily admit that after losing Grant, literally having the worst-case happen, that I get more anxious in what-if scenarios. My mind can and will go to the place of: Well, why couldn’t this be really bad? Bad things happen, things that cannot be solved by any medical procedure or doctor. I’m not alone, I know – it’s been studied, and perhaps you feel the same whether you’ve lost someone, received a scary diagnosis or just had an unfortunate experience.

I had one of those moments last night when it was announced that the U.S. was adding the U.K. to the travel ban. Yes, American citizens are still allowed to go back to the U.S., but the likelihood of finding a flight (tons have been cancelled) is low, and then we’d likely need to be in a 7-14 day quarantine. Being an expat in a time of a worldwide pandemic is a bit unsettling. We are comfortable in our home, in our community, in this country…but we are not near our family or so many friends. And now, if we NEEDED to get back, it would be very difficult, not to mention then getting back into the U.K. It’s not a great feeling.

But, I’m trying to keep things in perspective. We’re in touch with family and friends. Everyone is positive, healthy, and safe. I’ve seen lots of awesome things online. From Italians singing off of their balconies to NBA players donating their salaries to laid-off arena workers, to groups coming together to help people who may need help. For every person hoarding hand sanitizer, there are more people trying to help each other.

I hope that’s the upside here in the long run. People making sacrifices, taking care of one another, and being reminded of what’s important. Maybe it’s too early to look for a silver lining in something that hasn’t yet hit bottom. Whatever the coming weeks bring, we’ll be vigilant while remaining optimistic, and will keep all of you in our thoughts and prayers.